Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
