My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize