i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
