Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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