i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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