Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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