The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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