I think my fart just growled at me.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
