This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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