I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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