ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
And then he peed in my hair
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