the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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