Sponge bath it is.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
