So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
