I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
