Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
