I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
