i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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