Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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