i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
