I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
