K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
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