I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You ruined the universe
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
