After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Watching her eat just hurts me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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