I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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