Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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