You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
