My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
