i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
