the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
