i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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