I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
