When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
