nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Sorry about my life...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
