Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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