My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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