Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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