there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
