omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
