If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
