We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
