I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
