The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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