I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
