True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
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I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
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