Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
