I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i would punch a child for taco bell
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
