Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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