Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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