yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
