im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
