Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
