My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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