I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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